dear me, dear 40 year old me

Yesterday I wrote my future self an email. It started with "dear 40 year old Hannan" and ended with "I am proud of you in advance. love, H"

My hope is that when future me receives this email sent by present me, she is happy. that is really all. Whatever that means-- rich, poor, famous, forgotten, success or not, I just hope she's happy. in the email I talked about her obnoxious laugh, how it's really too loud for most people, and how I hope she still has it. I hope that if nothing else, I go down as the girl who laughed a little too loudly for other people's comfort. I am not here to make things comfortable. I am here to make things better. there is a difference. I hope I am doing the latter. I could always be doing more. but I think I am doing a pretty good job.

It's such a struggle, to stay here, with present me, to not fall for future me and all that she has finally figured out. but under the strain of learning, I hope my face scrunched up would appear as a smile to a passerby. I am trying to find the joy in the toiling. sometimes I even manage to forget how difficult that can be.